If Women Were Like Men

What a beautiful life it would be

Adrian Padina

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Photo by Milan Popovic on Unsplash

I come home after a tough day at work and see that she’s washed the car again. It’s always clean, shiny, unlike the garage or the inside of the house. I take a deep breath and walk in. It’s still light, but the curtains are drawn and there she is, wine in hand watching the game. “Hi honey, I’m home”, I shout and am greeted by a belch. “Hey sexy, how’s your day been?”. I start to tell her but she screams at the TV: “F**king ref, are you blind, the c*nt was offside!!”.

I sigh and make my way to the kitchen.

The inside of the fridge looks like a junkie’s: two and a half beers, leftover pizza and half a pint of milk that I believe has squatters’ rights by now, it’s been there that long.

I grab a beer and peer at the pile of dirty dishes and the wooden spoon that’s been spot-welded to the saucepan. The floor is sticky, the rubbish bin overflowing and the dog looks pissed. Actually, he always looks pissed, but I darn’t touch it, it’s my wife’s pride and joy and she treats it better than she does me. She prefers to go for walks alone with it, meeting up with her girly friends to admire its balls. “Whoa Jen, that’s what I call pair of b*llocks”, they’ll say.

I know that conversation is pointless until the game’s over, so I go upstairs to change and come back down with the same t-shirt I’ve worn for the past 2 weeks. I’ve said before that the washing’s piling up, she says she’ll get to it at some point, to stop nagging. Just yesterday I told her I had no clean underpants. Her reply: “Turn ’em inside out, you get a fresh pair that’ll last a few days yet”.

The game’s finished and she’s on the Playstation and snacking, her fingers are already Dorito coloured. “Hey sexy, give ‘us a kiss”, she says, so I lean over to give her a peck and she grabs my package. “Fancy a quick one?”

Yeah, sex. It’s over so goddamn quick these days. She jumps on top, gives a few wriggles, says that I’m her stag, she orgasms silently whilst making a funny face, rolls over and starts to snore. It doesn’t matter whether my dick’s gone hard or not, she doesn’t care, and to be honest that rubbing hurts. I feel so used. It was never like this before.

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Adrian Padina

Master hotelier who writes and photographs. Take a peek inside my world.